


Eventually

by WatchforWitches



Series: Whumptober 2019 [12]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Head of the Institute Alec Lightwood, M/M, Post-Battle, Whumptober 2019, talk of death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-31 02:24:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21048860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WatchforWitches/pseuds/WatchforWitches
Summary: The problem with being head of an institute is the death of your shadowhunters feels like it falls on you. Even when it doesn't, Alec struggles with loosing people in battle.





	Eventually

**Author's Note:**

> Still catching up on these prompts!  
This one is for the prompt tear stained  
I hope you enjoy!

Alec stepped through the door of the loft, the days troubles a sudden weight on his back with nothing else to distract him. The loft was dim and quiet, and Alec kept hearing the voices of everyone he had disappointed in the day. He knew being head of the institute would be tough, but today had beaten him down even harder than he ever expected. He didn't cry often, either because he couldn't or because he wouldn't let himself, but the frustration and exhaustion of the day hit him hard, and silent tears began to pool in his eyes and slip down his face, leaving trails of damp on his cheeks. 

He takes a shaky breath before discarding his shoes and slumping into the loft, sitting immediately on the couch with his head in his hands. He lets himself cry now, away from the world and the damands of professionalism, hands covering his eyes and back curved in on himself. He's breathing roughly, and all he can see behind his eyelids are the faces of the shadowhunters that died in the mission of that day. The fact that the casualties were caused by lack of intel, and that Alec had basically sent them into a demonic warzone without knowing it. The youngest had been a 17 year old kid, and Alec had to be the one to tell his parents he wasn't coming home. 

It had been awful. The entire institute felt like it was encapsulated in a cloud of grief. As soon as Alec made all the announcements he had to, stayed later to offer the families condolences, he had left in a flurry. He just knew he needed to be home, and he needed to let his walls down. It had been too difficult, and he didn't want anyone to accidentally walk in and see the head of the institute in such a state. 

When Magnus heard footsteps he assumed that Alec would shortly be walking into their room, sliding next to Magnus in bed. He had been waiting over ten minutes before he heard the laboured breath and faint sniffling of his love. He was up in an instant, walking carefully through the kitchen space to the living room. There he saw Alec curled into himself, clearly crying but trying to not be. It made his heart ache, and without saying a word he placed himself next to Alec on the couch, leaving a few inches of space between them. "Alexander," he whispered softly, "Darling what's wrong?" 

He places a steady hand on Alec's arm, which seems to jostle Alec enough that he looks up at Magnus. His face is red, his eyes watery and cheeks wet. He looks shattered, and Magnus wishes this was a hurt that his magic could heal. "Magnus," Alec starts, voice quiet and quivering, "There was an attack on a mission. So many people died, I didn't know it was going to be that bad. A kid died." 

Magnus takes a breath shakily and moves closer to Alec, draping an arm around his back. "Oh Alexander, I'm so sorry." 

"It was my call, I sent them out there," Alec's voice was breaking and Magnus couldn't stop his heart from doing the same. 

"Darling it's not your fault. You can't blame yourself." Magnus knew the words weren't helpful, not right now. But he had to say them, Alec had to hear them spoken into existence, even if he didn't believe them. 

When Alec says nothing in way of reply, Magnus simply rubs circles into his back. He's rarely seen Alec cry, and not to this extent, but he understands the weight of what he's up against, understands the toll it takes. He waits in silence for several minutes, leaning his whole body against Alec to ground him. When his breathing starts to even out, when he moves his head from his hands, Magnus moves with him.

When Alec looks up at him, and Magnus can see the tracks the tears left down his face. He cups Alec's face in his hand, using his thumbs to carefully wipe at his cheeks. "Come on my love," he speaks softly, "Come to bed." 

He takes Alec's hand, thankful when he follows behind. He waits while Alec moves about the room and changes into his pjs. Once he's done he climbs into bed next to Magnus, who immediately curls himself around the shadowhunter. Tucked against Magnus, his breath shakes uneasily. "It'll be okay love." 

He didn't bother saying it was okay, because he knew that it wasn't true, knows how unhelpful the words feel when nothing is okay. But he says it because he knows that it will be eventually okay, and all he can do is hope Alec believes him while they fall asleep tangled together.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos/Comments/Feedback all welcome and greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading! <33


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